Sami Kinnison (00:00)

Welcome everyone to this week’s episode of the podcast. Today we are gonna be talking about a phone conversation that Angela and I have been having several times and we’re like, yes, yes, that, wait, no, that. And we just we’re gonna unpack it a little bit more with you all. We’re gonna be talking about beliefs, except we’re not, and we are, and more. Angela, why don’t you share where you’ve been at on this journey and what we’re talking about today.

Angela Belford (00:30)

Well, if we go all the way back, we actually go all the way back to the original, Be Freaking Awesome. Chapter three says, It begins with beliefs. Your beliefs become your thoughts, your thoughts become your words, your words become your actions, your actions become your habits, your habits become your values, your values become your destiny, says Mahatma Gandhi.

And so I have believed that. I still do believe that, actually. But here’s what I’ve discovered is that in our our modern way of talking, I think about like when I have I have a Gen Z in my life and I say certain words and she says, That’s not what it means today. I remember when I came from Ohio to Arkansas and

nineteen eighty six, my mom’s like, you can never say that word. People will think terrible things about that word. That’s a very northern word. You’ll sound like a Yankee. Like they’re just the words have meaning, right? And so we’ve been talking about beliefs. And what I’ve been wrestling with is that when we think about beliefs, most of society accepts that as

a conscious acceptance of a of a belief system. Like it we think about beliefs in the related to faith. We think of beliefs related to political beliefs, or even I would say, you maybe not even think of it this way, but we might could stretch and think societal beliefs like I believe in capitalism or I believe in socialism. Right. And so so those they feel like active choices. And the way we talk about beliefs is like

things that have happened to us and kind of patterns of thinking. A more life coachy definition of beliefs is that beliefs are a pattern of thinking that becomes so normalized that you you forget that it is a pattern of thinking. And so, I go into this in Be Freaking Awesome, there’s a part of our brain called the reticular activating system.

That is something that like if you buy a blue Honda, then suddenly you notice all the blue Hondas on the call. Like w it raises your awareness so that you notice things. But mostly it helps us to do things kind of on autopilot, I would say. And so what I’m figuring out is that when I tell people that what’s holding you back is your limiting beliefs, they’re like, mm-mm, nope.

People aren’t most of us aren’t walking around going, I don’t feel like I belong. They might tell a story where they have they might feel like that group made them feel like they didn’t belong, but they don’t walk around as if every scenario I’m in, I’m not good enough. I don’t walk around saying I don’t have what it takes. Like this is just not how most of us feel like it’s conscious. I know this because people argue with me all the time. They argue and tell me that’s not true. That’s not, that’s not the way it works.

That’s not the way my brain works. And I’m just like, that’s adorable. and so what I want to do, I think what’s what it’s what’s coming to me is that I’m finally applying a little more of my marketing brain to my coach work, I would say, is because I say to my clients all the time, I don’t want to hear about how you talk about your service. I want to hear about how your clients talk about your service.

So, like my latest book was originally called Why Positive Thinking Is Not Enough. I actually gave that keynote a couple of times. It makes sense to me. that’s not how my clients talked about it. You know, my clients said I had I had these things that were holding me back. I wasn’t even aware. There were things that were in my mind that I didn’t even know I had. Like, the invisible edge. That’s what it’s invisible to us. And so and in that whole scheme of things.

I’m like, well then how do people talk about it? Because the invisible edge actually doesn’t tell us a whole lot. So that’s what we’ve been unpacking is how and say I heard Sami teach about this idea a few months ago and I was like, you teach my content better than I teach my content, which is silly because it’s our content and we create it, but I mean, you know, like I’m the one that started beating this drum originally. And so you talk about it as patterns, and I think it’s not even patterns.

so there that’s what we’re gonna unpack today.

Sami Kinnison (04:53)

Think

so here’s the thing. If depending on who you are and what your background is, words that could apply to what we are talking about are beliefs, attitudes, perspectives, patterns,

history,

Angela Belford (05:09)

Experience.

Sami Kinnison (05:11)

experience,

Angela Belford (05:12)

Trauma.

Sami Kinnison (05:13)

the lens that you see the world through, there’s a lot of ways that

You could describe what is going on, which adds to the complexity of describing it in the same way. This is something in my practice with communication, you have to have shared meaning about what words are. And I know I have gotten into some arguments about the word doesn’t mean what somebody thinks it means anymore. And I’m like, I understand that the word, this word that you want to use might have meant something different.

It has evolved and changed. And if you want to be clear and if you want to communicate clearly, you need to take that into account. If you don’t care to communicate clearly, then don’t worry about it. Don’t take it into account. Just use your same words you’ve always done, but know that you’re probably gonna have some misunderstandings. Where you and I have been at is that it is obvious once you start to see these these seven buckets.

That each of us might struggle with in different ways. It is obvious to see how it is showing up for somebody. That doesn’t mean it’s obvious to them. And I think that I feel more unique in that I could tell you when I was 21 that the issue I struggled most with in life was feeling like I was enough. I could tell you that one and name it out loud. Like feeling enough was something that was a big struggle.

Sometimes early on in marriage, I’m not enough for you, and blah blah blah, and I’m not enough for work. And it led to a lot of different tears, which also prompted me on my recovery journey with perfectionism, et cetera, et cetera. But I took not enough to be a symptom of perfectionism, not perfectionism to be a symptom of not enough. Does that make sense? Like the I

Angela Belford (07:07)

Mm, mm.

Sami Kinnison (07:08)

thought it was because of my struggle with perfectionism, I struggled with not feeling enough.

It really is the opposite direction. One is the cause, one is the symptom. And it’s fine if somebody doesn’t want to for in my opinion. If you were like, Nope, I don’t have limiting beliefs. Well, number one, that I’m like, well, that’s a limiting belief right there. if you’re unwilling to look at the what would be less than desirable within your life, if you’re unwilling to say, if you think you’re perfect, then you you probably got some blocks going on.

Angela Belford (07:41)

Well, that that feels a little square rectangle because I would say that like most of the time limiting beliefs come up in the day-to-day when we’re doing

Sami Kinnison (07:49)

Is that it?

Angela Belford (07:49)

things that are easy for us, that we know how to do, that we understand how to do our job, we understand all the expectations, we don’t encounter the limiting beliefs that much. They don’t really impact us that dramatically, most of us.

The things I think that people would notice is like, yeah, but when you make a mistake, what’s the voice in your head? That’s why Traveling Light, Free Yourself From the Crap in Your Head the like it’s how do you treat yourself after you make a mistake? Are you kind? Are you gentle?

Or do you beat yourself up? Because what I’m figuring out is that that’s the indicator that people actually are aware of. That’s the felt need they have.

They do know how they treat themselves and they think that it is a foregone conclusion that everyone has that.

Sami Kinnison (08:35)

I also think that there are some people who think it is a good thing that there there is

Angela Belford (08:39)

Mm. yeah, I have lots of folks.

Sami Kinnison (08:41)

some people can acknowledge I am my own worst critic, but some people are like, if I don’t hold myself to a higher standard, then I will become lazy, I won’t push, I won’t be productive, I won’t be this marvelous human being that I make myself out to be, or that I I won’t be able to execute and deliver the work that I execute.

if I’m not pushing myself in that way. That’s

Angela Belford (09:07)

Right. Yeah.

Sami Kinnison (09:09)

a way you can’t push yourself and it’s kind of like just burning unsustainable fuel. Like, yes, it will work, but you’re gonna like wreck your car in the meantime by putting bad fuel.

Angela Belford (09:21)

It

is literally the path to burnout. Like when people then are like, I don’t understand why I am burnout. And I’m like, because you are using past beliefs to push you instead of deciding who you’re becoming and allowing that to pull you. Because

Sami Kinnison (09:39)

Mm-hmm.

Angela Belford (09:40)

sometimes people think that the opposite of perfectionism is mediocrity. And it’s not.

It’s establishing an appropriate level of excellence and being kind to yourself when you make mistakes. Like it’s not embrace mediocrity. Now, some people do like kind of pendulum swing. They for like screw it. I have cared too much. That’s that’s a pretty natural response. But that’s not the goal. The goal is not mediocrity. And I think that’s what people hear when they say that.

I think what’s interesting is how these beliefs can can get formed and how these patterns can get formed. And my favorite example that I have found to be pretty universal, and that’s why I kind of like this. I used to use a different example, but when we’re in seventh grade and the teacher calls on us and we give an answer and everyone laughs, what happens next?

Often shapes how we go through the world because some of us feel humiliated. We feel horrible. And when we call it humiliation, but really it is just all of the flooding sensations in our body when we get triggered and it feels really awful. It feels like I want to either run away, I want to punch everybody, I want to disappear. Like that’s that feeling feels horrible.

People then make that mean stuff. They’re like, I don’t want to feel this way ever again. So the way I don’t feel this way is I’m not going to ever present. Literally in America, the number one fear is fear of public speaking. People would rather die than give the eulogy. However, someone else

Raise their hand or teacher calls on them, they make people laugh, and they love that feeling. They love the feeling of making people laugh. Maybe they have a grandparent that laughs at all of their jokes. Maybe they have, I don’t know what the scenario is, but they love it, love making people laugh. That person may decide, I want to do this more, and they end up becoming a stand-up comic. Or in our life, we motivational speaker, professional development speaker, because expectations are less.

anyway. So those two scenarios, I love that scenario because it’s literally the meaning that we assign to how we feel in our body. I mean, you could probably give there’s a great example from Henry of like, I don’t want to go on the ride, I don’t want to go on the ride, I’m so scared, I’m so scared, I’m so scared, I’m so scared. And then he goes on the roller coaster and he’s like, I want to do it again. Because he liked how he felt, right? Yes.

Sami Kinnison (12:30)

And then there was another roller coaster that he, after he was

like, Yes, I want to do it, this sounds great. And then he gives off and goes, Maybe I was maybe I should wait till I’m older to do that one again. Like, I don’t know about that. I

Angela Belford (12:41)

Yeah yeah.

Sami Kinnison (12:44)

I also think that what is interesting is that seventh grade, you’re pretty cognizant of things going on in seventh grade. And I would imagine that that is actually like

Beliefs are starting to get planted younger, and the ground is getting

Angela Belford (13:01)

I agree.

Sami Kinnison (13:01)

tilled and and watered and fertilized in the right area, and all of these things that when you’re three and you say something and everybody delights and giggles, does that feel good or does that feel not good? And and there’s a it’s interesting because it just happens so subconsciously and in a way that.

Maybe we can influence as parents and and leaders of kids, but also some of it is just happening based on whatever response is going on.

You

Angela Belford (13:34)

Well

Sami Kinnison (13:35)

see something unknown and does unknown feel do you feel secure enough that this is this is okay, I can go explore it? Or you see something unknown and it’s like, I have to run away, this is terrifying. There’s

Angela Belford (13:48)

Well

and there’s people our age to the what parents can do, like people my age who were like, quit crying or you know, quit crying, I’ll give you something cry about. That says to me, We decided then I should not feel my feelings. I don’t want to feel my feelings. I just wanna jump right to the positive thinking. I just wanna

Sami Kinnison (14:03)

Uh-huh.

Angela Belford (14:03)

jump right to jump over it. And we skip the step of allowing ourselves to feel disappointed for a moment or to feel upset for a moment.

Sami Kinnison (14:12)

Right. And so it’s sort of this seventh grade is when you can imagine, you know, I I made this choice to speak up or not speak up. But those those beliefs that were planted and that maybe it took root and it sprouted at that point, but it it happens younger than you could ever realize. And I

I think that’s why it’s important to look at it because you didn’t do it on purpose. Your parents probably didn’t do it on purpose. Nobody told you and said, Hey, you know what I really want to do? I really want to set this kid up for like a life full of anxiety and stress and depression. So I’m going to be overstimulated myself and tell everybody that they need to shut their feelings down. That’s exactly what they consciously thought and went to

Angela Belford (14:55)

Well, but

Sami Kinnison (14:56)

it with.

Angela Belford (14:57)

yeah, and think about the kids that like their parents go through a divorce and so they try to be really good because they think they had something to do with it. Now, parents could go through and be the the most healthy, the most conscious decoupling that you could possibly do, and kids can still decide of their own volition because we have a little kid brain that doesn’t yet have all the executive functioning.

That can weigh the pros and cons and what is actually happening. And so we can make it mean that my parents divorced when I was five. Therefore, I have to be perfect so that I don’t l have loss again. You can, you know, my dad left. And so therefore, I must not be lovable because everyone leaves me. I there’s so many things that we can make them mean. And often then they’re just a reinforcing pattern. So it starts out as a groove.

And then it becomes

Sami Kinnison (15:53)

Mm-hmm.

Angela Belford (15:53)

a rut.

Sami Kinnison (15:54)

And then I think that somebody’s like, okay, but why does that impact me today? Well, if you have this like everybody leaves, then when I’m at work, why would I trust other people? Why would I delegate to other people? Why would I rely on a team? Because everybody’s gonna leave in the end. And you know what? The more I act this way, and I I micromanage if I do delegate, or I don’t even delegate, team people get mad, they leave.

They’ve proven my point. See, they left. There’s no reason that I

Angela Belford (16:25)

Told you.

Sami Kinnison (16:25)

should trust other people. I can just do it all myself. I think that, and you’re like, well, my problem with not being able to delegate has nothing to do with my dad who left whenever I was five. And I was like, maybe, but what if it does? And I think that if you

Angela Belford (16:43)

Mm.

Sami Kinnison (16:44)

don’t care, like if you’re like, I’m fine that everybody.

d nobody wants to work on my team and that I have to do everything on my own and that I feel burnt out and stressed all the time. And that’s fine with me. I just have accepted that this is how life is, then cool. You keep rocking that. What’s interesting is the number of times, Angela, I know both of us had this experience where we’re like, do you know that there is a better way? And sometimes people are like in disbelief. They’re like, no, everybody has this voice in their hand. Everybody has this is just this is just life. It’s like,

Kind of, but also kind of not. Like there is actually a better way to do things. And if you are fine with how you’re doing things, I don’t know why you’re doing listening to our podcast.

Angela Belford (17:27)

As long as it’s working.

Sami Kinnison (17:29)

If it works for you, let it work. But if you are like, man, I I do want that to be different. I don’t want to unintentionally hurt people from my past hurt. I don’t want to limit my success because I am carrying around

Things that I didn’t even realize. I’m looking at the world in a particular way. I had no idea there was a different pair of sunglasses I could put on that would make the the sky look a different color or whatever.

Angela Belford (17:56)

Yeah, I would say that so often we talk about business success and your goal setting, and this impacts other things. For instance, if I am walking around saying I am not enough, and my husband says, Hey, did you pick up the milk on your way home from work? And I say, No, and he goes, okay, I suddenly might pile on an a lot of extra emotion.

to that, okay. I might make it mean something like, see, I’m not enough. And it spirals into an argument. Vice versa, if I’m the one asking, did they bring the milk home? And I’m like, they never listen to me. They don’t, I I can’t trust them to take care. I have to do everything myself. I can’t even and in fact they just forgot. Like they’re just a human. And so if you enjoy that part where you like overreact to things

and you don’t have a lot of grace for people and you like you don’t mind that you guide you get into these fights that are kind of unnecessary, then then don’t don’t worry about it. Don’t we you don’t you probably aren’t listening to the podcast, but

Sami Kinnison (19:08)

I will say I don’t

know people who enjoy those things, but I do know people who don’t notice that or who think that this is just a foregone conclusion of life. I also want to be just like fully transparent that the other side is not no fights ever. And

Angela Belford (19:25)

Correct.

Sami Kinnison (19:26)

like unfortunately, sometimes still recognizing the things I in particular this week has been.

really

challenging for me. I’m just going through some hard stuff in therapy and and in life. And I’ve been tired and I’ve been a little bit short and I’ve just like feel like my nervous system is on overdrive. And it’s like this is actually a very good response. This is a good thing that in the face of unpacking some trauma, that your body is using the energy to process this. And that makes sense that you are tired and that you need some extra grace.

And isn’t it so good to be tired as opposed to being numb? And isn’t it good to be like, ugh, I don’t have a whole lot in me to give when the alternative is just like, well, I can pretend this never happened and be triggered by random things. Like, those are my options. And I am in a a neat place in my growth where I actually feel real gratitude for the exhaustion that I am feeling. I have had pretend gratitude.

Towards the exhaustion, the like say it enough time so that hopefully I mean it. Like I’m I’m gonna practice saying the thing that I want to believe. And this week it actually has been like, no, I I am glad that I feel things. I am glad that I am not

Angela Belford (20:46)

Mm.

Sami Kinnison (20:47)

numb to my emotions. I wish that it was better feelings, but I am genuinely grateful to feel a full spectrum of feelings.

Including the ones that are less than desirable that I’m feeling this week. So

Angela Belford (21:04)

Here’s the thing is that so often we are like, my gosh, but I don’t really have capacity to like be tired and to be cranky and all of these things. And I would say that you are making a choice to like unpack this in a season. And the alternative when you’re numb is that you don’t know when something is gonna hit you and you are spun out and you really needed to be on your game that week because

You have a big presentation or you have a speaking gig or you have to, you know, a job interview, and somebody makes this random comment that spins you out. Wouldn’t you rather take control of that journey and like, okay, I’m gonna decide to give myself a few weeks, I’m gonna work on this thing. And

Sami Kinnison (21:49)

Mm-hmm.

Angela Belford (21:50)

then it’s hard for a few weeks, maybe months, but then a year from now,

you’re not walking around bracing for when you’re gonna get spun out of control ’cause somebody says a thing that like I just it’s worth the

investment.

Sami Kinnison (22:05)

I had that fight nine years ago with my husband. I’m driving to a week-long convention, and on the drive there, he and I have a fight that ticked like completely took me out for days. And I spent most of the time at this convention, puffy-eyed, crying in every free minute, and just completely undone. Like

It

was awful. It was just not a fun experience. And it was things that I left unaddressed for a long time. And so then when the the landmine explosion happened, it felt like my whole life exploded. This time when I had a little blip of a like, oof, didn’t like that, not a full blast explosion. it was something I was able to

Go investigate and seek therapy about and and address. There’s a part of me that is working hard within the debate and the war in my brain to the the debate is you should have done this sooner. You should have addressed this earlier,

Angela Belford (23:07)

Mm. Mm-mm.

Sami Kinnison (23:09)

or and I can’t believe you let these things go this long unaddressed. I hear the problem with being more self-aware and like emotionally intelligent is that I can see.

a lot more clearly the like unhealthy thought patterns and I’m like that’s an unhealthy thought pattern and I’m like yeah but I’m still experiencing it and I just announcing unhealthy like doesn’t doesn’t make it just immediately stop. It’s like you should shouldn’t blame yourself for this thing. Like you’re blaming yourself for this thing. You shouldn’t do that. Don’t feel that way. I’m like okay these aren’t working like just yelling at myself in my head. I am so that war I should have done this sooner. I know

I should like shoulding, like you it’s the that key word, that red flag. It is the right time to be doing this work right now. There are previous

Angela Belford (23:57)

Yeah. Yeah.

Sami Kinnison (23:59)

times in my life, if I would have tried to dig into this trauma, I I didn’t have the capacity. I genuinely did not. And there’s a metaphor that I have been told that I really appreciate that we’re in like a river of life, and you’re in a canoe, and you’re gonna have different logs and barriers between you and the end of your life.

You can fret about all of the logs and the barriers, but worrying about the logs that are later doesn’t actually, you can’t actually do anything about it. You can only address the one that’s right in front of you. And my job on the healing journey is to address the thing right in front of me. And maybe I clear this log and the water rushes on and it clears several other things down the road that I would have never had to do.

I don’t actually have to go through this big process to address. But if I would have like stopped my canoe, get out and go try pull all the logs out and then come all the way back, then it’s like you did extra work and you made it harder. So trust that the thing in front of you is the thing that you’re supposed to address right now. Go address that thing and then you’re gonna keep healing, you’re gonna keep on your journey and something else will pop up. anyway, that’s that’s where I’m at, and that like, nope, I gotta trust that this was the right time.

To

be dealing with this thing. So wherever you are, take that as encouragement. If you are like, man, I’ve been anti-beliefs and like I don’t have those, like ask the question: maybe is there something I need to look at here and sort of sit in with yourself and listen to that intuition and that gut and that for me, just like that spiritual connection of is this what I’m supposed to be doing right now or is this not? Is this something I can worry about later?

Angela Belford (25:39)

I just want to close with the idea the reason why I want to make this easier for people to understand and more marketable is that I am seeing my clients get some amazing freedom, emotional freedom, spiritual freedom, mental freedom, and the ability to just be more flexible, make easier decisions, solve problems that they weren’t even aware of.

of and they though like little problem. I mean like it was festering. There was something festering in a relationship and because this flexibility then they’re able to just go and hey can we say it out loud and then it’s like that’s easy like they’re finding easy solutions and so I just I want more people to hear about this. I love speaking at conferences and workshops. I love making an impact.

And I love people getting the freedom from this work. And so I’m going to commit to just making it easier and easier for people to access it. Now, I do recognize that my target client is somebody who is interested in growing, interested in learning, and interested in being a better version of themselves a year from now than they are today. And so people that are pretty satisfied with their life, that are

kind of rocking and rolling, they’re not the target client. And as soon as I said that, it reminds me back to years and years ago. I did a parks and recreation conference and a couple of the guys that showed up came because they knew I was fun. They loved hanging out with me. And turned out they had a situation at work. And these are like guys that work on the field. I mean, I would have never thought that my stuff would have been as applicable to them.

so anyway, and they had a situation at work and they were like, but, but, but, but, and we were able to talk it through. And I’m like, yeah, come on, bring me the hard ones. And it really helped because I saw them at the next conference and they were like, Man, I really took what you what you said. And it it made my work situation like so much better. And I don’t have as much stress. What does that do to our heart? Literal heart.

Heart attack, what does that do to our mind? what does that do to our physical body when we take control of that? So I just have such a deep, deep, deep passion for people having all of this freedom. So I want to make it even easier for you guys to recommend me for workshops and conferences that you’re gonna be at and for doing trainings at your at your work. So keep us in mind.

Sami Kinnison (28:09)

Thanks everybody so much for listening and for being a part of our journey with us. We love to get to share with you guys how we’re growing and invite you guys to share with us what stood out, what resonates, where are you at on your journey. We would love to hear from you. Until next time, everyone, we hope you guys go be freaking awesome.