Sami Kinnison (00:26)
Welcome everyone to this week’s episode of the podcast. I’m one of your hosts, Sammy Kinnison. I’m a communication coach who helps people figure out what’s standing in the way of saying what they need to say.

Angela Belford (00:37)
My name is Angela Belford. I’m also one of your co-hosts and I am an executive coach that brings a blend of the somatic processing that is things in your body and beliefs that we have stuck in our body and of Stronghead for Business.

Sami Kinnison (00:54)
We are going to be talking today about a phrase that you and I both like almost taboo buzz whenever people say it. and anytime somebody says, I should have done this or you should do this, it is sort of like a taboo buzzer. What what are we saying here? Like there’s an interruption point. And we want to talk about that phrase, should and should have.

Angela Belford (01:17)
You know what? There’s

a the there’s a little media thing and there’s the sound effect. Yeah.

Sami Kinnison (01:20)
there’s a sound effect. Yeah.

Maybe we’ll edit it in, maybe we won’t, so that we’ll save your ears. but you guys understand the this is a phrase that we want to interrupt. Anytime this is something that’s coming up and coming out, there is invitation to reflect and to pause. And Angela, I know you in particular have some thoughts about like what you can do instead. I as well. can you share?

why this topic came up as something that you wanted to talk about on the podcast.

Angela Belford (01:55)
It is because I had I love my little Facebook Time Hop Memories where it will be like four years ago you said this thing. And I can’t remember if I this was four yeah, this was probably four years ago, because five years ago, right about now, I don’t know that I was this in tuned yet. I should have noted that when I when I made the when I reminded the graphic.

But I had posted back in I think twenty twenty two, instead of saying what you should have done, review your actions and decide what you can do better. And I was like, Man, that’s a good quote that I posted. And then I look closer and I’m like, I was quoting myself. Literally made a quote graphic of something I had said to somebody in coaching. Cause they were like, Well, if I don’t should have, then how am I supposed to get better? And I was like,

There we go. So that’s kind of where it came up. Ironically, you can find wisps of this way back in Be Freaking Awesome. I was I was preaching this sermon and beating this drum way back in 2016 and probably earlier if I review some recordings.

Sami Kinnison (03:06)
So before we go into like what to do, s you you already kind of teased a little bit at what to do instead, but can we pause and say why why should we not say should? What what’s the the reason and the kind of, I don’t know, philosophy behind this?

Angela Belford (03:26)
Well, especially when you use the word should have, there is an element of this where you are looking at your past behavior and you are judging critically something that you can’t change. So it doesn’t matter if you should or shouldn’t have done something.

it it is should has with it some additional emotional weight of of judgment, of shame, of things that are just that we just quite frankly we got enough. There’s enough emotional weight in the planet without us adding it onto our own self. And so I think that when we are doing should have and some people could argue and and

And be like, you’re saying the same things. This is semantics, maybe, but I don’t see people when when they do what I think you should do instead. I don’t see them with the same negativity bias. I don’t see us pulling in those same things of like, there’s something wrong with me, like there is with that should have. And even when you were using the word should, I should do this or that.

It’s like there’s judgment and expectations. And it’s like, I don’t know if you should or you shouldn’t. Do you want to? Because I promise you, the emotional energy behind want or wish is very different. It’s not heavy. It’s it’s encouraging. It’s light. And so even if you say, I should get to that, it’s like, hmm, I didn’t make time for that.

Today. I I want to make time for that tomorrow. You know, like there’s just a it’s an unnecessary weight burden, emotional weight burden. And I think it it it is just a pattern interrupt. The whole thing we talk about in the invisible edge is these hidden patterns that we don’t notice. And when we can interrupt those patterns by noticing how often we say should, then I think it gives us a shot at figuring out what’s really going on in our brain.

Sami Kinnison (05:44)
I would also add, I think that there are there are some times where we’re gonna use the word and we kind of mean it in like a hindsight is 2020, and it’s my husband and I went to a concert in the park with our kids, and there was a chance of rain, it ended up pouring, and our kids were freaking out, it was this whole thing, and one could be like, Well, we probably should have stayed home, you know.

I don’t necessarily mean it negatively then. I more mean like hindsight 2020. We took a chance and we did that. When should is coupled with someone, there’s there’s this like a prescriptive nature, or like somebody’s telling me I need to do this, or or there is, I think it kind of goes into a little bit of guess versus ask culture, and this there’s an assumption that this is what should have happened, this is what if I would have known better if I would have.

Smarter, if I would have been more attuned or or something, I should have done this instead. And also, there are plenty of times where we might say something like, I should have done this, but you didn’t know. You genuinely didn’t know. I didn’t know it was gonna actually rain. It could have been a glorious night and sunshiny, and I had no clue. And so then when I find it to be most insidious whenever there’s like a voice.

And you’re like, no, I can name whose voice it is in my head saying, Well, you should have done it this way. and is it like a relative, a friend, a partner, a not so good person in your life, maybe not a friend, and their voice is the one that’s telling you, you know, you should have done it this way. You’re like, that’s it’s it’s more burdensome than it needs to be. And so that’s the goal is to interrupt that.

Angela Belford (07:33)
In there’s some for some reason it brought up the idea of what is wrong with you? It’s that same kind of, you know, s segment of the communication pie, if you will, of like that same you’re conveying information that is that is not gonna encourage people to do better. That’s the thing

Sami Kinnison (07:55)
Right.

Angela Belford (07:55)
to me, is that I don’t think should and when you say it like you’re saying with the we probably should have thought.

I had a friend that said there’s no such thing as bad weather, there’s just bad planning. Like you didn’t

Sami Kinnison (08:05)
Mm-hmm.

Angela Belford (08:06)
you didn’t bring the right clothing. And so I I like sass her a lot. whenever I’m not prepared for the weather. I’m just like brrrr, you know. I’m unprepared.

Sami Kinnison (08:18)
That is the Montessori

way also, is it my kids at Montessori, there is no such thing as bad weather. there’s bad clothes for the weather, is what they will say.

Angela Belford (08:26)
Yeah.

Sami Kinnison (08:27)
Like you’re just not appropriately dressed to be in this weather.

Angela Belford (08:32)
Yeah, ’cause they still go outside when it’s raining, right?

Sami Kinnison (08:34)
As long as there’s no lightning. They have some like metal playground equipment. And I do think that’s fair to consider putting toddlers on metal playground equipment in lightning. you have a safety risk. There’s a safety risk

Angela Belford (08:43)
That’s a thank you. That’s thank you.

Sami Kinnison (08:45)
there. But if it’s just raining, and then the state has some requirements on like if it’s actually too hot or actually too cold, but they’re following the state law guideline. If it was Montessory, they would they would do it. If it’s true, full Montessori with no regulation, they would find ways and they would

you know, be more equipped for it. So when I’ve I really like to use the the twist and the phrase, I wish I I wanted to do this or I wanted to show up in a different way because I can acknowledge that there are things that have happened that I didn’t that’s not how I would have wanted it to happen. Like if I made my most ideal plans, I

Wouldn’t have yelled. I I would have been in a place where I could have regulated my own. I’m not, you know, I should have not yelled at my kids. You’re yeah, sure. I I probably shouldn’t have yelled at my kids. It is more it it feels kinder to say, I wish I could have been in a place to have regulated myself better so that I wouldn’t have yelled at my kids. Like that’s accurate, and I can reflect.

Even if it’s not on the what am I gonna do next time, I can still say like man, I’m I don’t like

Angela Belford (10:00)
I think asked

Sami Kinnison (10:01)
that. I I w I wish it could have gone differently, without having to make it mean something like, What’s wrong with you?

Angela Belford (10:10)
For sure.

So

I think oftentimes when people push back on the should, they are they think that I’m insinuating we should never take responsibility for our actions. We should never ask for forgiveness, which is the farthest thing from the truth. I absolutely think that we k we ha we need to make amends when we have

Sami Kinnison (10:32)
Yes.

Angela Belford (10:33)
acted in a way that is out of alignment with our character, when we have done something that is

not in the way we want to show up, then we absolutely need to apologize. I had a situation, I don’t think I’ve told the story. If I have, thanks for listening again. But I had a situation where I had a friend that had a diagnosis and they told me and they were in the stage where they were diagnosed, but they didn’t know the treatment plan. And three weeks later they text me and say treatment’s going well. And I freaked out. I completely freaked out because I was like

How did I not check on you? And I’m so sorry. And she and she was like, no, no, no, it’s okay. And I said, can you please, can you please allow me the opportunity to ask for forgiveness and to express how I’m feeling so that I can be fully a present for you? You don’t have to carry my weight. But I said, I didn’t act in a way that’s in alignment with my character. That really bothers me. That is not my heart. I appreciate that you are giving me grace.

And that you are willing to forgive me, but if you will just please allow me to apologize because that’s not how I want to be. And she said, I accept your apology, and I also know at any time if I pick up the phone and I needed you, I knew you were there. And I’m like, Well, that’s wonderful. And but but you we absolutely are allowed to own our mistakes and to make amends and say this is not the way I want to be.

And I also do think that that part of what can help us to have a freaking awesome life and how to improve is that when we take that opportunity to review any interactions and say, How can I do this better in the future? And maybe we can’t do it better in the future because we were just tired or hungry or stressed out or distracted or whatever the myriad of ways.

But I think there are some opportunities to be able to say, hmm, now how do how next time I’m in that scenario, what can I do different?

Sami Kinnison (12:46)
I think that’s the piece that when you say I should have done this, it doesn’t necessarily help you do that next time. Like stopping

Angela Belford (12:56)
Right.

Sami Kinnison (12:57)
there does not make a change. And so even I think in the I want to do this, this is how I I wish I would be, or how I would show up, there is an element of

You you can find like why do I want to do this? So I want my kids to be able to handle any weather and to feel prepared in that. That’s important to me, or it’s not important to me. This is how I want to show up. And there’s an element of it that it requires a little bit more mental effort than the easy path of just criticizing yourself, and I should have done this. But yet.

The little bit more mental effort actually can make a difference. If you don’t want to stay in that place, here’s what you can do instead. But if you don’t care if you stay in that place, or if you don’t stay in that place, you’re probably not listening to the podcast. You’re probably somebody who doesn’t necessarily want to grow and improve in a lot of ways. And so we then should we we it it it is an imperative for us to take a moment to reflect on how we can do it differently so that we don’t end up in the same place again.

Because otherwise

Angela Belford (14:12)
Yeah, because

Sami Kinnison (14:13)
it’ll just keep happening.

Angela Belford (14:15)
our little efficient brain will keep doing the same thing. I think there’s two parts of that. Number one, if we don’t pause and say, How could I have done this different? How do I want to do it different next time? What is then when you begin to imagine that future scenario, you get your brain comfortable with that idea. I didn’t for a long, long time, I didn’t understand the reason why

positive affirmations and visualization works, like people would just say it does. I mean, literally there’s a book called The Secret, because it’s like, it’s magic. It’s not magic. You know what? Your brain likes to understand what is happening and your brain likes to predict the outcome, as you recently beautifully demonstrated in a one of your talks recently that you gave, where you were talking about like to keep safe, our brain likes to project and guess what is going to happen.

And so when we spend time visualizing things in the future, when we spend time imagining how we want things to go, when we spend time thinking about how we want it to go, we get our brain accustomed to that so that it doesn’t feel weird. If it’s weird for us to apologize to people and then we practice in our mind’s eye before we get into that scenario.

then it actually makes it easy for our brain. And I mean, you guys know there’s stats. I think I used the stat in probably every one of my books. I don’t know if I quoted it in the last book, but they did research where they had people practice free throws and they had people not practice free throws and they had people practice free throws only in their mind. And if people that physically practice improved 24%. And people who mentally practice never touched a basketball improve 23%. Like that’s

mind-boggling. And so when you take this moment and think about what you want to do different, maybe even imagine the scenario happening differently, we actually have a shot at improving.

Sami Kinnison (16:15)
I also think that if we in order to get to what’s gonna happen different, it does require reflection to say what went wrong, and not in like here’s the expectations I’m supposed to meet of the world, but like, was I hungry? Was I tired? Was I hormonal? Was something going on? I one of the things in my season of life that is tricky is that I do want to show up really well for my kids. And I and I don’t want to

To yell at them for being loud or for having emotions or for doing things. And I don’t know if you know this, but if you have ADHD and there’s lots of noise and there’s lots of movement and things keep going, it’s it’s extra hard to stay regulated. And so there’s some parts of it where I’m like, this season of life with a two-year-old, a four-year-old, and a seven-year-old, my my best shot is repair, is because I don’t actually know how to prevent.

There being noise in my house, there being clutter in my house, there being children that experience irrational and intense emotions about very irrational things sometimes. And so you’re like, I I don’t I don’t know how to help you with this. My best shot is repair. And and I have recognized that like I’ll probably get to a different season where I don’t have to be so gracious with myself for being dysregulated. Like I I could be more regulated more often.

And even with all of the work that I’ve done, I still this past Sunday snapped at my kids and I was like, that’s it. No more talking, no more questions, no more fighting. You’re gonna sit down on the couch and you’re gonna watch the movie that I pick. And that’s what we’re doing the rest of the evening. And I made them watch Inside Out so we could learn about our feelings. And it was a whole thing. And

Angela Belford (18:05)
You horrible troll.

Sami Kinnison (18:07)
yeah, what a punishment to make you guys watch Inside Out. I will watch Inside Out too, whatever.

But like, I don’t know, would I have preferred to be in a place where I could be like, okay, kiddos, I hear you, you’ve got a lot going on. We’re feeling tired. We’ve had a lot going on this weekend. Like, let’s all take a deep breath together and and see how we can reset. Yes, I wish I could have been in that place. Instead, I I snapped at everybody, you have to sit still and watch our movie. Nobody really complained that much, of all the horrible things I could do to my kids. anyway.

Angela Belford (18:42)
Well heads up, even if you don’t have kids at home and you sometimes just still just get dysregulated because it’s just still part of being life human human

Sami Kinnison (18:51)
Human? Dang it.

Angela Belford (18:53)
dang it. I hate that.

Sami Kinnison (18:55)
I keep

searching for an answer that like maybe there will be a point that I can hit where like things are just constantly at peace. You know, growth is no bad days, all of these things. And it just keeps coming up that like it’s not actually realistic to be regulated a hundred percent of the time and to have great days every single day. And it’s kind of annoying. That’s just my theme of the year. I I

I’m hoping I can get to acceptance and not denial and and fighting it and all the other things. So maybe soon enough. Angela, do you have any last thoughts or encouragement for folks as they continue on their shoulding journey?

Angela Belford (19:41)
sorry every time we say that it’s like no no no we’re not cussing I promise although I think should might need to be considered a a bad word.

Sami Kinnison (19:52)
It’s not gonna give us an E rating on any of our podcasts though.

Angela Belford (19:56)
We are not going to get an explicit rating. I would say that you said something that is I hope people take away, and that is being kind and gracious with themselves. When based on talking to the people who listen to our podcast, the ones who do listen regularly, I know a lot of us are on the perfectionist journey, and it sometimes can feel very, very scary to turn loose.

Of a behavior like shoulding on ourselves because it feels like we are that’s the only way we’re gonna keep ourselves in check. The only way we’re gonna keep ourselves in mind, the only way we’re gonna be motivated. And I’m just here to tell you on the other side, it isn’t. It is not motivating, it is actually demotivating because your brain can begin to go, Well, it doesn’t matter how hard I try, it’s never good enough for you.

Sami Kinnison (20:51)
Yeah.

Angela Belford (20:52)
So please take this with so much love and so much grace that you have an opportunity to actually improve. Shoulding on ourselves looks to the past. And what we want to do is actually do something about the future and change how things are happening in the future. Cause you can’t fix yesterday.

Sami Kinnison (21:19)
I like it. Thank you so much, Angela, for the the topic for today. I feel like this was fun to dive into. we’ll also share the quote that you had and quoting Angela Belford, why not reshare it with the world? Thanks everyone for listening. We’re so grateful for all of you. And until next time, we hope you guys go be breaking awesome.